I’ve talked about my struggle with weight and food in the past. In fact, this blog started with several posts about my weight and weight loss and Weight Watchers back in 2005. Since then I’ve lost and gained hundreds of the same pounds. A little over a year ago I discovered low carb living, and life has changed a lot. My struggle with food addiction isn’t gone, but it’s not so ever present. I’m not skinny, and I never will be, but I’m healthy and I’m happy.
I love that I can shop in regular sizes…but I don’t have to. If I want the extra length, I can grab a loose 1X.
What I mourn now is how much I HATED, LOATHED and DESPISED my body for years. I remember going on the cabbage diet in high school because I’d crossed the line to a size 14. I lost weight and gained it right back plus 10 pounds. I can’t tell you how many times I heard, “you’d be so gorgeous if you lost a little weight.”
My stretch marks showed up about the same time my cycle started. I was far more mortified by those pink marks on my legs and breasts than I ever was at my period. I remember trying to eat one meal a day because my thighs were fat.
I started down the road to Fat Girl Hell early on, and it led me to a lot of self destruction, physically and emotionally.
I used my fat to hide. I used it for comfort. It was my identity even though I hated, despised and loathed it.
Today two things happened that brought this all back. One of my former students posted about a shirt carried only in “fat girl” sizes and how much a person said they hated fat girls and fat girl only sizes and Huff Po carried a great story on plus sized models.
The fat girl comment hurt my former student’s feelings. I totally understand.
I can’t tell you how many “moos” or “can’t she just exercise?” or “with a little effort, you could do it” I heard over the years. If you’ve never struggled with weight, you have no clue how far from true all that is. There’s a reason the weight loss industry is booming, and it’s not because those of us who struggle need to exercise a little more.
The model story gave me hope that people are starting to see beauty in something more than weight.
Today I realized I don’t hate my body any more. I don’t despise it or loathe it. (Okay, I’m still really unhappy with my fat arms! If one more person tells me I inherited them from my Grandma Hagberg, I’m going to scream!) I’m not in the best shape ever, and I definitely need to get back into Zumba but NOT to lose weight. I need to get some cardio going for my health. Hearts need cardio. But I don’t have to be a 14 or 12 or 10 or 5.
I’m not going swimsuit shopping with a camera any time soon, but I’m cool with my curves. And all those people who told me I’d be beautiful if…well, I know they meant well. They weren’t being jerks on purpose. But they were being jerks, and they were feeding my self-loathing.
I’m going to end this with my words on Facebook today: Girls, love your bodies. It’s about health not inches. But I’m going to add one more thing: If you hate your bodies, it’s deeper than that. Don’t go there. Embrace who you are right now. In this moment. Regardless of the scale. Look in the mirror and say I am beautiful. And don’t let anyone tell you differently. Be cool with your curves.
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