Tag Archives: weight

Fat Girl Hell and Getting Over It

IMG_2768My name is Mary Beth Lee, and I was born fat.

I’ve talked about my struggle with weight and food in the past. In fact, this blog started with several posts about my weight and weight loss and Weight Watchers back in 2005. Since then I’ve lost and gained hundreds of the same pounds. A little over a year ago I discovered low carb living, and life has changed a lot. My struggle with food addiction isn’t gone, but it’s not so ever present. I’m not skinny, and I never will be, but I’m healthy and I’m happy.

I love that I can shop in regular sizes…but I don’t have to. If I want the extra length, I can grab a loose 1X.

What I mourn now is how much I HATED, LOATHED and DESPISED my body for years. I remember going on the cabbage diet in high school because I’d crossed the line to a size 14. I lost weight and gained it right back plus 10 pounds. I can’t tell you how many times I heard, “you’d be so gorgeous if you lost a little weight.”

My stretch marks showed up about the same time my cycle started. I was far more mortified by those pink marks on my legs and breasts than I ever was at my period. I remember trying to eat one meal a day because my thighs were fat.

I started down the road to Fat Girl Hell early on, and it led me to a lot of self destruction, physically and emotionally.

I used my fat to hide. I used it for comfort. It was my identity even though I hated, despised and loathed it.

Today two things happened that brought this all back. One of my former students posted about a shirt  carried only in “fat girl” sizes and how much a person said they hated fat girls and fat girl only sizes and Huff Po carried a great story on plus sized models.

The fat girl comment hurt my former student’s feelings. I totally understand.

I can’t tell you how many “moos” or “can’t she just exercise?” or “with a little effort, you could do it” I heard over the years. If you’ve never struggled with weight, you have no clue how far from true all that is. There’s a reason the weight loss industry is booming, and it’s not because those of us who struggle need to exercise a little more.

The model story gave me hope that people are starting to see beauty in something more than weight.

Today I realized I don’t hate my body any more. I don’t despise it or loathe it. (Okay, I’m still really unhappy with my fat arms! If one more person tells me I inherited them from my Grandma Hagberg, I’m going to scream!) I’m not in the best shape ever, and I definitely need to get back into Zumba but NOT to lose weight. I need to get some cardio going for my health. Hearts need cardio. But I don’t have to be a 14 or 12 or 10 or 5.

I’m not going swimsuit shopping with a camera any time soon, but I’m cool with my curves. And all those people who told me I’d be beautiful if…well, I know they meant well. They weren’t being jerks on purpose. But they were being jerks, and they were feeding my self-loathing.

I’m going to end this with my words on Facebook today: Girls, love your bodies. It’s about health not inches. But I’m going to add one more thing: If you hate your bodies, it’s deeper than that. Don’t go there. Embrace who you are right now. In this moment. Regardless of the scale. Look in the mirror and say I am beautiful. And don’t let anyone tell you differently. Be cool with your curves.

*****

Current Liz Lee (steamy romance with heart) book Close to Home available on kindle!

Scale Woes

Okay. I’m out of control.
Snickers. Almond Joys. Papa John’s Pizza.
I swear. One day I’m going to reach my goal weight, make it on Survivor, win the million dollars and self-publish a book on The Never Ending Battle. Weight loss.
WHY does it take a year to lose fifty pounds and a week to gain ten?
I hate the science of weight loss. It makes no sense. I bet Einstein would agree.
I know. Diet and exercise=weight loss. Period. No secret.
But UGH!!!!!!
And it’s not even Girl Scout cookie season.
I swear. I’m never selling World’s Finest chocolate again. And if DH brings home a bag of Almond Joys and Snickers and just leaves them sitting out, I’m tossing them in the garbage disposal.
Self control is completely over-rated.

candy corn 2000, MBL -10

I bought dh some candy corn. The big bag because he loves it so much.
It’s gone today. He ate three little pieces. I swear he’s not human. Who can eat three little candy corns? That’s like eating one chocolate kiss.

On the bright side, not only did I work out today, I wrote five pages too!
Whew.

Monday weigh down

School’s started and it’s time to get back on schedule.
I weighed in officially today. Same scale as I lost the 50, same time, same routine.
I gained 7 pounds this summer. It could’ve been worse.
I think chocolate ice cream has a different voice when it calls your name than other flavors. 🙂 Hopefully it’ll quit talking to me now that school’s back in session!

back to the daily grind

I start back to work tomorrow and suddenly I’m totally and completely terrified.
Last year I wrote about 100 pages the entire school year. I wanted to do more, but I’d come home from work and collapse. It was a nightmare. I love my job. I love my students. But I have to write. I have to. Not writing kept me in a constant aggravated mood last year. I can’t let that happen again.
And I’ve fallen so far from the weight watchers wagon, I have no idea where it even is. I know where it’s not. It’s not at Sonic with strawberry limeaides or cookie dough blasts. It’s not in my closet when I ignore the scale either. ACK!

Okay. Calm. Down.
First: Plan. Failure can often be stopped with a little pre-planning. I can pre-plan. I have my calendar. I have my goals.
Second: Ban Sonic
Third: Just do it. There’s no secret to getting published. Write the best book I can and send it out and write some more and send those out. Same thing with weight loss. Move more. Eat less. The end.
Fourth: Have fun.

I need to find some place to hang that list.
Ugh.

I’m back…weigh in and retreat

Four more days and summer’s here. I can’t wait.
I missed yesterday’s update. I’ve now lost 51 pounds. I looked through my weight log and realized I’ve either gained or lost what I gained the last two months. ICK. Time to move on.

The retreat was a blast. It’s always rejuvenating to just hang out with other writers and veg. We plotted, talked, critiqued, ate and drank. Some of us even went swimming. The hundred degree days warmed the lake perfectly.
I shared my synopsis and the opening of my new work with the writers there. It was intimidating to say the least. This is a whole new direction for me and here were these incredible writers sitting there willing to listen. Two are my normal critique partners, but it was different at the retreat.
I wanted to share. I was excited about what I’d written. I never planned on crying. But I did. A LOT. I was just overcome with sadness and then overwhelming peace and then more sadness. It was so strange. But it was amazing too. I’ve never really felt this close to a work before. It made me wonder if maybe I’m not a little too close to this story. I’m writing it because I feel like it’s the story I’m supposed to write. We’ll see what happens.