I want him to stay.
But I know he can’t.
I don’t even know why it’s a big deal.
I’m working all day. Then it’s group on Tuesday.
I go home and write. Sometimes. If he’s not there.
If he’s here, I go home and talk and laugh and watch TV and gripe and complain about who does the dishes and we debate my Young and the Restless obsession and why I should watch something different and…all the little things in life. And then I write. Sometimes.
And I lay in bed next to him listening to him breathing, inhaling his scent, luxuriating in his nearness. If he’s here.
And when he’s not I sprawl out over the entire surface and pull his pillows to me and wish the neighbors would stop talking even though it’s not that bad with ocean waves playing.
People do this. They live in separate spaces, far more than we have. I feel almost guilty for what I wish, what I want.
We’re almost there where he’ll be here all the time. We’re almost there.
God uses my tough times to teach me who I am.
I need to remember that.
I’m re-learning who I am, finding me again. A me not tied up in the things I have or my job or the people who depend on me.
It’s honestly strange.
I’m not a blank canvas. My life experiences have made me me. My relationships have made me me.
All of that is good.
But it can be bad too.
This is a season of change, and not just because menopause sucks.
I didn’t realize how much my me was tied into the we that DH brings to my life. Again, not a bad thing. I’ve spent over half my life with Brian and he makes me a better me. That line “he completes me” is absolutely true.
However, life threw us a giant detour and suddenly we are not we. We are me and him in different places at different times FaceTiming and talking and together sometimes.
I didn’t realize how much I depended on Brian to help me be me until this year. Last year it felt like a temporary situation. This year it’s life, our new norm. And I need to deal.
But to do that, to deal, I need to be good with me as me. I need to be grateful for the times there’s a we, but I have to be okay when there’s not, and that’s not easy. I am selfish and whiny and not even a little bit grateful.
More than anything I’m afraid. Left to me I work and watch TV and that’s not living. That’s letting life happen. So it’s time to stop that. It’s time to actually do the things I want to do. To figure out me. To be courageous. To change my mindset and remember how I started this post: God uses my tough times to teach me.