I want him to stay.
But I know he can’t.
I don’t even know why it’s a big deal.
I’m working all day. Then it’s group on Tuesday.
I go home and write. Sometimes. If he’s not there.
If he’s here, I go home and talk and laugh and watch TV and gripe and complain about who does the dishes and we debate my Young and the Restless obsession and why I should watch something different and…all the little things in life. And then I write. Sometimes.
And I lay in bed next to him listening to him breathing, inhaling his scent, luxuriating in his nearness. If he’s here.
And when he’s not I sprawl out over the entire surface and pull his pillows to me and wish the neighbors would stop talking even though it’s not that bad with ocean waves playing.
People do this. They live in separate spaces, far more than we have. I feel almost guilty for what I wish, what I want.
We’re almost there where he’ll be here all the time. We’re almost there.
Today’s my husband’s birthday. He’s 49. He’s rarely sick. He’s self-employed. He pays taxes. He makes a good living.
Several years ago the cost of adding him to my insurance quadrupled, so he got his own insurance, which he uses rarely. Over time that policy continued to escalate in price so he upped the deductible. It’s now $10,000, and he pays thousands of dollars a year for that coverage just in case. He rarely uses the insurance for anything other than a yearly physical. In fact, in over a decade, he’s used it three times, two of those last year.
Before he upped the deductible, he had a kidney stone. We thought he was having a heart attack and called an ambulance. We were young and didn’t know better. I think it was over a decade ago, but time gets fuzzy. That was the only time he used the insurance for anything other than a physical until last year’s kidney stone episode. We knew what the problem was and went to the ER on our own. The ER nurse was awesome, kind and helpful. We saw the doctor for all of 30 seconds. He told us my husband had a kidney stone and walked out. We paid over $2000 for that ER visit. Over $1000 for the 30 second doctor’s diagnosis. The trip to the urologist was cheaper.
He’s had a kidney stone since then, but he chose to self-medicate and get through it on his own instead of going to the doctor.
In the last year he’s developed reflux. Last night that reflux turned into something awful. I looked up the symptoms online and have a pretty good idea of what’s wrong. We’re going to try diet changes first. If that doesn’t work he’ll have to break down and go to the doctor. And that trip to the doctor will break us even though he has insurance. Insurance he pays an arm and a leg for. Ridiculously expensive insurance that is still cheaper than putting him on my state teacher insurance policy.
I realize Obamacare isn’t the answer, but it’s at least an attempt to fix a problem that exists with our current system.
Posted in diet, Family
Tagged dh, health, husband, insurance, kidney stones, medicine, money, obamacare, reflux, sick