Tag Archives: fear

Trying

I have to stop being angry all the time.

This just all feels so awful and it was avoidable. But here we are. And here I guess we’re going to stay until we get to the other side.

It’s terrifying to see the numbers explode. My Mom was in the hospital overnight. That’s terrifying because their county didn’t take this seriously until the last seven days and they’ve gone from no cases to 26 in less than a week. They have more cases per capita than my giant county.

I have to find a way to NOT think about this.

I’m reading A Court of Thorns and Roses. It’s amazing. But I bawled my eyes out when a fairy died because the main character said she didn’t want a fae to die alone so she stayed with him and held his hand and brushed his hair off his face and lied to offer him comfort in his last moments. And all I could think about was all the people dying from COVID in hospitals. Alone. Because to be be near anyone means they could die too.

It’s just all so awful.

I need to try harder to find a way to stop my mind thinking about this. This is not healthy.

I Can’t Sleep

I want to sleep.

But when I close my eyes, I worry about my grand babies who are running fevers in Cleveland, a hotspot in this war against an unseen enemy that rages across the world.

I worry about my daughter who just took a 30-day leave and her partner who didn’t. So far away.

I worry about my students and the kids at school who depend on the campus to be a safe place.

I worry about my parents. My mom’s lungs have been awful her entire life. My dad has to take medicine that destroys his immune system but helps his arthritis. They’ve been so careful, but….

I worry about the damn yearbook that I love.

I can’t sleep. I want to. I’m so tired. But I can’t.

No Pollyanna Here

It’s hard to focus enough to read a great book. I keep wanting to check social media my news app, the Covid case #s on the Johns Hopkins map. We jumped ahead of Spain today. We’re behind China and Italy.

The teachers in my old district have to report to school this week. Friends from other districts said they have to too. I don’t think people are taking this seriously. I don’t think they’re listening to Dr. Fauci or reading the data. They think science is political. They were told it was for years. I hate that we’re all going to pay for that.

I feel bad for this post. I feel like I should be finding the rainbow in the storm. But dammit, we’re at the part of the storm where the mile-wide tornado in bearing down on your town and people aren’t following the weather preparedness rules. And half the people are up on their roofs shooting video on their iPhones because they think this is business as usual.

I need to force myself to use the Calm app. To work. This isn’t healthy. I know it isn’t.

God, please help calm my mind.

This is my mother-in-law’s new puppy, Tanner. He wants to cuddle or bite everything. He’s a source of joy in the madness.

Friends at my old job called me Pollyanna. I worked HARD at finding the positive. I’ve tried so hard to reclaim that me, but she’s just not here right now. She’s been taking a break since Nov. 9, 2016. She’s on an extended sabbatical now.

God, please help me be a source of strength for my kids tomorrow. Help me just be a bit of normal in a world that has lost its norm. Don’t let this awful everything I feel show up in my work.

Sweet baby girl does NOT like to walk on her feet. She runs around on her knees like an Olympic sprinter, though. She’s precious and wonderful and completely chill. She was running a fever yesterday but is better today. She’s too far away but it’s better we’re apart.
She’s her mother’s twin. My heart, my love. The opposite of her sister in personality. Also too far away. In the middle of a hot spot right now. Yesterday her county had over 90 active cases.

I have this thing where I downplay my emotions, where I say I’m such a baby or my problems are so tiny compared to everyone else’s. That spirals into a dance of guilt and what ifs. I’m not doing that this time. I’m embracing what I feel. I’m allowing myself to work through it.

God, give me peace. God, give us peace. God, you are bigger than I even know. You are a God of science and faith and the two don’t have to be opposing forces. The idea that they do is a lie.

When all this is over, and it will end, we will have a lot of work to do. God let me be up to the challenge.

Senior Pictures

Did you get your senior picture taken? Did you make your senior appointment? Don’t forget the senior deadline. Get your picture done. According to my records you have not had your senior picture taken. Hey guys, help me out. Here’s a list of seniors not pictured. Can you tell the kids in your classes to get their pictures made? Okay, Lifetouch will be on campus on THIS DATE to take your last minute senior pictures. 

Hello. This is Mary Beth Lee. According to my records your senior has not yet had their photo taken for the yearbook. Lifetouch will be on campus on THIS DATE to take all last minute senior photos. This is the LAST chance for your senior to be photographed for the yearbook.

Notes (168 of them last year) delivered in class the week before final chance photos. Appointments required. Appointments made. 

Library set up. Pictures taken. 

Yearbook day: I’m not in the senior section!! Did you get your picture taken? Well, I did, in January. I called you, sent you notes, made your teachers harass you, the counselors called you down AND I made announcements the entire time Lifetiuch was here for last chance photos in OCTOBER. You’re right. You’re not in the senior section.
My introduction to my new school came courtesy of senior pictures. EM-S ISD uses a company called Glamour Craft, and they were on campus this week taking senior pictures. My new admin wanted me in the building just in case I was needed. I wasn’t, and that’s probably a good thing.

Monday was tough. I started unpacking my boxes and setting up shop in the new digs. It doesn’t feel like home yet. Brian and I stayed at the Venetian once. It was the swankiest place I’ve ever been. We had a butler and a doorbell. But we were still happy when we got home to the old house. That’s what Monday felt like. My new school is like the Venetian. But I have to find a way to make IT home.

I grew up in black and gold. I chose to swap the black with purple.

When I finished unpacking Monday, I sat at the computer and said What the heck have you done, Mary Beth?

After a few tears, I shook the bad feelings off and reminded myself I always hate school before the kids get there. Then I made a list of things I needed, because lists make me happy.

A bookcase was at the top of the list. Walmart to the rescue. $15.96 for a Mainstay 3-shelf bookcase. Sign me up.

People who know me understand the hilarity that was about to ensue. When it comes to mechanical issues, I’m pretty sure I have a learning disability. The book case instructions were photos. No words. YouTube took care of that. Two videos later (random guy:awesome, Target, your video is foreign language to people like me who don’t speak assembly required!), I tackled the project. 

Step 1: go find a screw driver because I left my years of tool collecting in the old newsroom.

Step 2: arrange everything and make sure the pictures match.

Step 3: use the hammer

Steps 5-9: suck it up and get over being afraid of doing it wrong. Do the work.

Step 10: unpack the books and put them in alpha order in the new shelf.

And with those books, a whole lot of joy.

Because words are my business and books are my first friends and sharing books with my students makes me so happy. 

That bookcase changed everything as far as attitude goes. 

I’ve taken a huge leap and change is crazy scary, but I’m still me, and my new kids will be my kids just like my old kids are still my kids. And this year is going to be hard, so hard, but hard isn’t bad. 

I’ll always bleed black and gold. But adding a little purple to the mix is a good thing. 


*I’m missing so many books. I think I lost a box somewhere. 

*putting old staff photos up on the shelf helped.

*a screw lock or something like that fell off the case. I threw it away because the case seemed fine without it. I hope the case is still standing when I make it back to the newsroom next week.

*standing there and letting fear stop you from moving forward is always the wrong answer.

You Gotta Have Faith

Photo by Randy Adams used via creative commons license. Link at end of post.

A few years ago one of our small group members, Sandra, talked to us about faith. She said when her husband lost his job in OKC, they had absolute faith that God would get them through the tough times. They ended up here where their children grew up in great schools with great friends. She said it wasn’t easy, but they constantly told themselves that God was in control. Thank GOD, because I’m not sure how I would’ve survived the last several years without Sandra and Gerald! Last year two of our friends said they were going on a mission trip to Panama, and they were going to raise all the money to do so. The last month they still had a ways to go, but they never lost faith. Sure enough, by the end they raised every bit of money they needed. People like Bonnie and Justin teach me so much! It’s so hard sometimes to trust God. Let Go and Let God seems easy. It’s not.  Two years ago we almost bought a house. We didn’t love the house, but we liked it all right. We went to the bank, got approved to make an offer, but when we got home 10 minutes later, we had a message from the lending officer. They’d changed their minds. The realtor suggested we go to another bank, but the whole thing struck me as odd. DH and I decided the bank’s reversal had to be a God thing. Then last year’s summer from Hades with over 100 100-degree days and the months-long drought dried up all the Lee’s Total Lawn Care business. Had we bought the house we thought we wanted then, last year would have been an incredibly tough year financially. But God’s no then wasn’t really a no. It was a wait. This year we’re looking at house plans to build during the winter. It’s scary to make that kind of investment, but when I think back over the last few years of Dave Ramsey and prayer, I have faith things will work out exactly as they’re supposed to.###

If you like my blog, I hope you’ll look at my books available in print everywhere and in eformat for kindle. I write YA as Elizabeth Lee (Honor and LiesDead Girl Walking: The Guardian Book 1) and christian fiction as Mary Beth Lee (Grace is Enough, Letting Go). Find out more on my Amazon author’s page. If you’re a reviewer and would like to review my books for Amazon, Good Reads or a personal blog, let me know. THANKS!###

Randy Adams Photo Link