Category Archives: thoughts

Calm

School, bills, the apartment, health, Facebook, twitter, political podcasts, the car, dang deers!, DH, his health, the sheets don’t fit right, dishes, no bowls, Mom’s what?!, The Young and the Restless, deadline, that makeup does not match, where are my shoes?

The first time I used the Calm app it was kind of like that.

I didn’t breathe deep enough and focus? What’s that?

It took ONE day for me to fall in love with Calm.

By the end of week one I had a routine. Wake up, make coffee, Calm.

21 days in, today, I woke up, turned on Calm, and it didn’t work.

I panicked for a minute.

I was able to meditate for five minutes, but it wasn’t the same. I missed the lesson, the coaching.

And I was a grumpy bump the whole way to school. Bad drivers, bad roads, lights. Ugh!

So when I got to school, I tried again.

It worked! Whew!

It’s such a little thing, but that 10 minutes of silent reflection and soothing life lesson is incredible.

I love Calm. I really do.

What I’m Loving: the Calm app, DoTERRA On Guard, school holiday anticipation

What I’m Writing: So Much For Happily Ever After.

I Want Him to Stay

I want him to stay.

But I know he can’t.

I don’t even know why it’s a big deal.

I’m working all day. Then it’s group on Tuesday.

I go home and write. Sometimes. If he’s not there.

If he’s here, I go home and talk and laugh and watch TV and gripe and complain about who does the dishes and we debate my Young and the Restless obsession and why I should watch something different and…all the little things in life. And then I write. Sometimes.

And I lay in bed next to him listening to him breathing, inhaling his scent, luxuriating in his nearness. If he’s here.

And when he’s not I sprawl out over the entire surface and pull his pillows to me and wish the neighbors would stop talking even though it’s not that bad with ocean waves playing.

People do this. They live in separate spaces, far more than we have. I feel almost guilty for what I wish, what I want.

We’re almost there where he’ll be here all the time. We’re almost there.

Escapism

Back in the day I’d log on to my blog and write about all the things. Writing, family, diet struggles, books I loved, God, TV, tales from the classroom and the politics of education. Every little thing.

The blog was my way to share little bits of life with friends.

Back in the day before Facebook and twitter and the constant bombardment of my News App.

I love the ease of the blog, the breathing space of the blog, the focus of the blog.

When I’m here I don’t worry about notifications or nuclear war. I just write. I just share.

Sometimes I write to make readers laugh. Other times I share to get through a moment. Often I post to ask advice.

I like that about the blog.

It’s my little place in the vast space of online infinity.

👩‍💻

What I’m Loving: The Daily Calm, Dumplin‘, coffee, my giant down comforter, my Dallas Stars gloves, Cali’flour pizza crust

What I’m Writing: blog posts and So Much For Happily Ever After.

Oh Hey Neighbors

It started right away. It’s been a year and the “new” neighbors still insist on late nights and loud voices.

I’ve said “hey neighbor” and “hello” and other friendly greetings.

She’s said “Sorry, I know we were loud last night.”

And I’ve said “Yeah, makes the morning wake up call tough.”

And she’s gone about her business being perfectly normal until 11 or midnight or 1 a.m. or 2 a.m.

And I guess I get it. Her apartment is her apartment. And her kids are kids who stay on their gaming systems all night long not even bothering to think about sleep until she starts yelling at them to go to bed at whatever hour of the early morning it is. One time she yelled “Did you hear me?!” And I yelled back “I did.” And silence reigned supreme. Glorious.

But usually nothing works. They don’t care.

I’ve tried Ocean Waves and Thunderstorm to cover the noise. I’ve tried 80s and heavy metal to share the “I can hear you” wealth. I’ve woken up early and played my Pilates music full blast. I’ve prayed. Thrown shoes at the wall. Meditated.

And still they yell at each other all night long and I lose sleep.

I read this tweet thread about someone baking a cake and delivering it to a neighbor who had a party and it turning into a beautiful thing.

If I made a cake for my neighbors, they’d eat cake and yell about it at 1 a.m. waking me from dreamless slumber.

Apartment living has its perks. There’s the zero maintenance and zero budget for landscaping and the pool and the lack of a mortgage. But I’m not loving it right now as I prepare for my classes bleary-eyed and tired.

Maybe I’ll try the cake thing.

Whiny, sleepy post done. Over and out.

What I’m loving: The Daily Calm, DoTERRA On Guard, Night Writers, my pillow, LCHF, Mixtiles

What I’m Writing: So Much For Happily Ever After (53k now. YAY!)

Just Dance

My entire life I’ve wanted to dance.

Way back when I was a kid our school’s dance team was the best. Every girl I knew wanted to dance for them. The process to make the squad was brutal and the girls who did it worked their butts off all year long. A lot like dance teams today.

I didn’t know anything about dancing.

When I was little dancing wasn’t allowed. By the time I reached high school dancing was allowed but frowned on.

It didn’t matter, though, because even if I COULD have danced, I can’t. Dance. Not a bit. I have no rhythm. Elaine on Seinfeld’s a better dancer than me.

That didn’t stop me from trying.

Not that I would have been able to do anything with dance team if I could have danced. Their skirts were too short and that was very important to my elders back in the day. Funny the things that mattered back then.

Anyway, there’s no happy ending to that part of the story. I didn’t have some amazing Footloose moment and sock it to the religious patriarchy with their no-no-nos and dance my heart out under the Friday Night Lights. Like I said. Can’t dance.

Fortunately my late teens/early 20s were spent in the 80s when the ability to dance in the clubs on college night just meant you could jump around for hours and shout the words they wouldn’t play on the radio and do the Cotton Eyed Joe. I could Cotton Eyed Joe with the best of them. But that’s not real dancing. I mean not real dancing the way I did it.

Flash forward to a few years ago when I saw this new class at the Bill Bartley Y. Zumba. I love Zumba with every ounce of my being. I can’t dance, but I can Zumba. Everyone can Zumba.

I Zumba’d for the first time in a long time tonight.

I’ve been Sweating’ to the Oldies. Everyone can do that too, but, sorry Richard, it’s just not as fun.

I’m listening to Atomic Habits, and the author James Clear talks about announcing your intentions. About saying what you are going to do out loud even if you’re alone in a room. Giving voice to your intentions makes you far more likely to get them done.

So here I am. Announcing my intentions. I’m going to dance. I’m going to dance Zumba style. And who knows? Maybe one day I’ll find my rhythm.

What I’m Loving: Zumba, duh! Atomic Habits, Diet Dr Pepper, Dumplin‘, LCHF

What I’m Writing: So Much For Happily Ever After (hit 52k today!)

 

 

 

 

Focus On The New

Today’s Daily Calm worked so perfectly with what I’m reading in Atomic Habits. So often in the new year we focus on the old instead of the new. On what we’re going to fix instead of on the process we will incorporate to get what we want.

It’s interesting how often that message has been hammered home to his week. Last night Seguin scored, and after the game the reporter asked him about finally making that goal. He said he was going to continue his focus on the process and not the outcome. That’s important. He’s an elite level athlete and that focus is essential.

I want to bring the process focus to all areas of my life.

I love the Daily Calm app and meditation.

What I’m Loving: again, the DoTERRA On Guard mouthwash (for real, you should try it), Dallas Stars hockey, my writing group, The Daily Calm, holiday FaceTime dates with DD and granddaughter.

What I’m Writing: So Much for Happily Ever After

Breaks Are Easy

I love that winter break has so many days after Christmas this year. Before Christmas and right after things are always so busy. This extra time gives tons of space for rest and binge watching Beachfront Bargain Hunters. 😊

I’ve learned so much about me this year, some completely unexpected and not all of it what I wanted.

But that’s okay.

One of the most important things I’ve learned since starting meditation: tilting my lips up in a slight smile creates a positive physical response. For real. There’s this little ball of positivity that goes through my face and neck and settles in my chest. It’s so weird.

It’s easy to tilt my lips up when I’m mid-break. I know that. It will be interesting to see how it goes during the school year.

One thing I know for sure: I need meditation in my life.

What I’m reading: Atomic Habits

What I’m writing: So Much for Happily Ever After

What I’m loving: STILL DoTERRA On Guard mouthwash (no really! You should try it!), the Dallas Stars, HGTV, LCHF eating

Not Alone

As I read through posts of friends and acquaintances and people in twitter I’m astounded by the number of people who talk about letting go of anxiety and stress and embracing self-acceptance.

Wow.

So often through the struggles of the last year I felt alone, and quite frankly stupid for my feelings because I’m 49 and I kept telling myself it was nuts to be going through this now.

Today makes me feel so much better.

There’s no right or wrong time for how I feel. I feel how I do when I do. The end.

But I also see that fighting the feelings and letting them get in my head and lead to negative self-talk is something I can work on fixing.

As they said in the Daily Calm today: “Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.”

Here’s to new endings and accepting me for me in whatever state I’m in.

Happy New Year!

What I’m reading: Atomic Habits (Audible)

What I’m loving: Daily Calm ❤️❤️❤️ and DoTERRA On Guard mouthwash and #LCHF

What I’m writing: So Much for Happily Ever After

Goodbye 2018

…You weren’t all bad, but man oh man did you stink.

Fortunately the sucky parts of life lead to big lessons. For me the lessons were mighty.

1. The outside chaos becomes inside chaos if I let it. I’m addicted to news and have been my entire adult life. The outside chaos of the Trump administration led to a lot of real emotional damage in my heart and mind. The hate and human rights atrocities compound day after day.

At the state level the Texas government is set to destroy public education. Texas is not alone, but Texas is where I live so Texas is my constant and it just floors me to see educators who insist on voting for these awful people because they’ve been bamboozled by culture war spewing hate mongerers.

Solution: limit the news input and work on changing things instead of letting things simmer. Give to candidates and causes, block walk, talk to people and help where I can.

2. Grief needs time and space and rushing through it to get back to “normal” will reach out and smack me in the face.

Solution: own my emotions, embrace them, walk in them and trust that God will get me through. Don’t “fake it till I make it” because that just leads to a breakdown.

3. Goals aren’t key. Goals end when I reach them and I switch back to what came before. (See NaNoWriMo, weight, starting over…the list is never ending).

4. Embrace the good: I have a new granddaughter 😍, Brian and I get to see each other more over break, my students rock, I enjoy my job, the list here is also never ending and I need to give thanks daily.

5. Meditation matters: This is new for me. I mean I’ve meditated before but not consistently. The Calm app is making this easy and it makes an incredible difference.

6. Affirmations make a difference and negative self-talk destroys. It’s easy to fall into negative self-talk, at least it is for me. I have to make a conscious effort to change that and I am doing so.

7. Be happy with me where I am even though I want to be better. This one is huge and something I am working on daily. I like me. I like my life. I like what I have to give to the world.

I’m glad to let 2018 go and I’m looking forward to 2019.

Currently reading: Atomic Habits

Currently Writing: (working title) So Much For Happily Ever After

Currently loving: DoTERRA On Guard mouthwash, cauliflower pizza crust, Dark Shadows TV show on Amazon Prime and Within Temptation’s Resist.

Low Carb Helps

I’m a week and half in to my LCHF eating, back on track after months of not worrying about my diet.

10 days.

My acid reflux is gone.

My mood is significantly better.

My menopause symptoms are gone.

I’m thankful for all of that. But the biggest change is in my ankle.

It could just be time after cortisone a month ago, but I think it’s more than that.

My ankle was impinged. Doc said he couldn’t say exactly why, but we were going to try cortisone and if that didn’t work we’d move to exploratory surgery. My ankle is filled with hardware so MRIs can’t tell us anything.

The cortisone made a HUGE difference, but I still had to wear compression socks and boots.

Last Saturday I noticed the pain was gone. Yesterday I had full ankle mobility for the first time in months.

I’m not a doctor, but it’s pretty great that I feel better across the board AND the inflammation in my ankle is gone.

I have an ugly relationship with food. Low Carb helps with that. Hopefully this helps even more!