The awful feeling of not knowing anything, being completely lost, feeling like there are a million wrong answers, being alone…
Uprooting my life was a choice, but all the kinks in the plan have me off balance. I hate theme emotions because they make me feel whiney.
I said I was going to document the whole experience though, and that’s the good with the bad.
We had a plan. Move down here together, simplify our lives, Brian would retire for a year–play some poker, volunteer at the botanical gardens, support me in my new endeavor, go back to Wichita Falls a couple days a week.
Then the house didn’t sell right away. And that turned out okay because of Brian’s dad’s terminal cancer diagnosis we got at the end of July.
So I’m here and Brian’s there and that’s been tough on both of us. He’s dealing with the emotions of his father’s health, running back and forth to Lawton alone, worrying about money and life stuff, and I’m here in Saginaw dealing with the emotions of being new someplace for the first time in forever.
I know event + response = outcome. It’s hard to keep that in mind.
I love this school and its energy and the people. I love the no excuses, super supportive attitude toward education and kids. I know it will take time for me to show yearbook–and newspaper one day–are classes you want to take. I know it takes time and effort to rebuild when a new teacher comes in to a super small program.
I KNOW that, but it’s still a struggle.
The car is good now, so that’s a plus. And cable and wifi will be in place within a week, so that’s a good thing. (I am missing TV like I never expected because I can’t stream anything!) And I’m getting used to the way things work. The seven kids I’ve got on yearbook staff are amazing. I had a non-staff kid stop by to talk about UIL. J1 is crazy big. The apartment life is hilarious and the new neighbors are strangely loud, but that will lead to funny stories. I have a local romance writers group.
So yes, there are so many good things. But today has been tough.
I’m just going to remember this feeling of being lost and out of sorts and hopefully help my students one day because I know they feel like this often.
Hugs to everyone having a tough day. Things will get better.
***edited to add:
Enough people commented on this over on Facebook that I wanted to make sure I made this clear: I’m not doubting the decision. I just want to be real here on the blog where I’ll look back in a few years on the other side of this time and remember. ❤️