Lots of posts…strange day…epiphanies and all that jazz

This morning I woke up and my ankle was swollen and it hurt and it was late and I had to get ready for church still and I’d had the strangest nightmare about being stuck in London because I fell and broke my other ankle and I realized something: somehow I’d dropped out of life.
I mean, I’ve been going through the motions. I work (all the freakin’ time), I sleep, I eat, but I haven’t been living.
In a way, I think it was the ankle injury, but there was so much more. DD went away to school, and for the first time in eighteen years, we weren’t a pair. I was single mom for 4 years, and we share what I think of as an incredibly close relationship. I hit 40. And yeah, the ankle threw me for a loop. I kept waiting for it to “get better.” And then this morning I woke up and realized there’s a good chance that’s not going to happen, and really, that’s okay.
It sucks, but I can’t just keep living on pause, waiting for that moment when things go back to the way they were. It’s not going to happen. Life goes on, things change, including me. The Christmas tree had to come down, the house had to get cleaned, and I had stories to write, stories I love. AND I had stories out there I hadn’t heard back on.
So I’ve re-queried agents and editors, the house is somewhat straight, the laundry’s done, I’ve started a proposal and I’m ready to work on the novel I’ve handwritten a very detailed outline on in a reporter’s notebook that mocks me every day I look at it.
No more letting it mock me. I’m getting back to work on it and everything else that’s been a part of my life.
The ankle hurts. And it’s swollen. And it’s stiff. And I limp.
But that’s okay. I’ll channel all that aggravation into a character.
And the ache in my heart that picks up every time I think about the fact that DD says she’s not coming home this summer will eventually be okay too, and I’ll use that pain in my writing one day also.

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2 responses to “Lots of posts…strange day…epiphanies and all that jazz

  1. In about another month to 6 weeks, it will be better. It will all of a sudden stop aching and swelling and you’ll be startled to realize that it happened. The cliche’ that all things take time is used because it’s so true. It does, but you’ll be better. Hugs. ALSO – hb for 40. You surely don’t look it. And DD loves you but is growing up. Channel that energy and intensity into your passion – the writing.

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